Friday, November 21, 2008

Point Blank, NO SHOOTING!

Being slightly aloof and withdrawn these days; typical Saskatchewan manic neurotic delusional woman, I guess.

When things hurt, I cocoon myself from everything. Like many others I'm simply preserving myself, saving what tiny morsels are left of my soul.

The health issues tossed me for a loop. The tragically tired; ZIP energy sucks.

Christmas, the time of beautiful glowing lights, crisp white snow, adorable children so very excited for the holidays approaching. Yet, I cry. Just once, when curled safe in my sweet husbands arms. Then, I poured, sobbed tears. Christmas, a bitter sweet time every year.

Son rolled the car - FREAKED me out. That was also the night I decided Ativan is EVIL. No more! I only had 15 "anxiety pills" - 15 too many I'd say.

Feel it, deal with it, get over it... Shit, it's been going around for centuries, I think I can - I think I can - I think I can...

I don't turn on my cell phone, I don't answer the house phone. Not too busy at work this month therefore I'm not getting out very much (which I really don't mind as I'm definitely a homebody). I teach a class - "turned on for my viewing audience". I finish a class, "turned off and totally drained".

I have become comfortably numb.

I sit. Sometimes I sit and stare. And in a good moment I sit, stare and think. I try not to do the latter as often on days-weeks-months like now. It's all perverted, my distortion of reality off kilter. See, I can type perversion and not even think of anything funny. Well, NOW I can and I'm smiling... chuckling a bit even.

Oh Lord help me, I even watched Oprah yesterday. Hey, did you know in Mauritania I am truly a Goddess! The men love their women fat, divorced, with stretch marks and thick ankles! Anyone who debates the existence of God, pfffft, are retarded.

I'm a dork. A loved, special (Pabsters even said so!) person :)

My sister's emotion expressed to me about loving me "so much", always gives me a lift. I really do care what she thinks. Weird, I'm five years older than she. Still, she mentions how I may just be her hero and I fight the tears.

Seamus, reminding me several times a day of his love for me is truly a blessing. Someone really, REALLY does love me, I am that desired woman to a handsome sexy man. His touches (gropes ;)) and his loving manner along with his well defined arm space just right for a hug or cuddle - wow, I'm indeed a lucky kid.

Friends, family, hubby, kidlettes all know this pattern of seclusion I enter every so often. Not that THAT makes it right. But, it does allow me to gather the courage to get back up on my horse and ride into the sunset, over and over and over again :)

I am feeling better already, must have been the awesome sex twice last night or sexy orgasmic morning sex. OR, it could be ... ah never mind ;-)



Pablo said...

You truly are special, Dee. I hope the holidays will be a time of rest and quiet joy for you. That might not be possible with the kids around but I wish it for you anyways.

Drop me a line sometime if ever you want to chat about stuff, okay?

I miss your craziness!!!

Elusive Wapiti said...

WW, I don't buy all this "I'm a fat sow" talk. Besides, if your man still digs ya, then you gotta wonder if it's that big of a deal.

Marvy said...

Dee, I don't know what to say except I love you my dear friend. I'm sorry you're going through a rough time, just know that there are many people, including me that are willing to lend you some strength.....I know that your courage and strength has been an inspiration to me many times. You are special, you are loved, you are truly amazing....and yes a goddess ;)

If you decide to pick up the phone again sometime soon, you know my number.

Wonder Woman said...

Pabsters, I miss your wisdom and obvious lack in character towards friends ;-) I'm still crazy, just certifiable, currently.
Went shopping around town for stocking stuffers; why is it Turtles ALWAYS remind me of you? LOL Thank you for you caring words, always.

EW, it's great "my man" enjoys me whatever "shape" I'm in, yes. However, it matters to ME; and I need to be in better or a whole "other" shape.
As once taught and mentioned several times since then, I MATTER :) Regardless, I get what you're laying down. Thanks.

Marvy, I know, I know, I know... Part of depression is withdrawing from others, even those you love and confide in. I can't explain why it happens just that it seems to follow suit with everything else that I do - or don't do during these times. I love you too, and I appreciate your friendship very much :)

I saw this commercial the other day... it was totally ALL my symptoms, FINALLY someone's gotten it right. Lack of motivation, withdrawn/very little emotion, tired, sore, eating a lot or not eating at all ... I like to eat apparently ;-)

Tryin to go with the flow...

Doorman-Priest said...

I even watched Oprah.

Honey, there's no hope for you!

MikeT said...

You look a hell of a lot better for your age in the pictures that you've posted than at least 75% of your peers, if that's worth anything.

Roci said...

Life is full of ups and downs. Suck it up cupcake. Get back into the game. The team is counting on you.

Roland said...

Life is full of ups and downs, but...
Don't just suck it up.
Walk your way through it and savor the moments.
They may not always be good, but when you are able to get back in the game, remember that we will be here too. Waiting for you. Just as you do for us. :)

Oh yeah, you are awesome!
(said the almost total stranger from Minnesota) ;)

Wonder Woman said...

- I know!

- For what it's worth, thanks.

- *Saluts* YES SIR! ;-)

- Thank you for the nice/gentle/caring game plan, almost total stranger dude from Minnesota.
PS. Don't hold your breathe waiting please, I don't like blue friends (racist, I guess) unless they're Smurfs ;-)

Feeling much better today, again. Now, I'm at about 20% which is a hell of a lot better than the -50% last week.

I type thanks and it seems almost not enough. I want you all to know I really REALLY - THANK YOU, for all your kindness, gentle words, truths, blah..blah..blah :)

Thank you...
WW :)

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