Jokes!

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A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

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Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.
"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Tommy," replied the second.
"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.
Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Billy.
"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.
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"A redhead, a brunette and a blonde are stuck on a deserted island, when one of them finds a lamp on the beach. She picks it up and gives it a little rub and a genie pops out.
The genie looks at the three women and says, "I normally give three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant each of you one wish.
Well the redhead is tired of being stranded on the island, so she wishes she was back home in New York. POOF! She disappears. ....
Well the brunette is also tired of being on the island, so she wishes she was back home in New York. POOF! She disappears......
The genie then turns to the blonde and asks her what her wish is. "Gee," she says, "I'm awfully lonely here by myself. I wish my friends were still here..."

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...Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.
The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.
"What Happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it.
When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"We know." said the young man, "We're not welcome at the Safeway supermarket anymore either."
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A fortyish woman was at home happily jumping up and down on her bed says, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce around on the bed and says, "I don't care. I just came from the doctor and he says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."
The husband said, "Oh yeah? And what did he say about your 41 year-old ass?"
"Your name never came up," replied the wife.

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" There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter. 10 were men and of course the other was a woman.
The helicopter pilot said that there was one too many people on the rope and it would break and they would all die, if someone didn't get off.
Just one person too many.
No one could decide who should go, so finally the woman gave a really touching speech, saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children and giving in to men.
All of the men started clapping."

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A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. She tells the class there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.
A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and sweetly says: "That excuse would not be acceptable. You can still write with your other hand."

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A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her.
"Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?"
The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled and said, "Not bad."

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All stressed out and no one to choke?

I feel your pain ;)