The Bestest Me

I came across this just this morning, and though it is personal, and it maybe of some value for someone going through something similar.

It perhaps will demonstrate how you can be the bestest you, and still love others as they are.


Dated December 2005,

Your email caught me off guard and with that said I phoned mom yesterday to let her know everything was going fine in my little world.

It's difficult to say why I have these "moments" in my life. I imagine being the single mom that I am, working full time, and a couple part time jobs - life becomes overwhleming to me. I then withdraw from everything, everyone else and simply plug away at attempting to be the bestest mom I can, work hard when I'm on the job, all while trying to be a positive happy person.

When I found out that you began drinking again it disappointed me that Alcoholism is so much a reality for you. A disease that shows no mercy, even to those who try so hard - like you've done in the past. As for you, my Dad, I will always and forever love you. I'm not disappointed in you, but your disease, Alcoholism, leaves me feeling defeated, worried, sad, etc... And if I'm being totally honest (as I am) I find it difficult to put myself out there to be hurt by your disease. Again Dad, I have never loved a man as I have loved my father - you. You're an amazingly strong man, with a gentle and vulnerable heart - Yeah maybe a bit annoying sometimes, but heck that's so I have an excuse for my annoying, compulsive actions, genetics!

My goal in life is to be the bestest mom while being the bestest me. With that goal each and every day, I set mini goals.

EXAMPLE: Today I was up by 5am, went for a run, came home by 6:30am, had a family breakfast with my children - told each one how much I loved them, hugged each of them and even puckered up for a kiss from three of them (Big D was in the shower - it would have been weird to kiss him good bye ;) Then I was off to work, arriving here on time, without being stressed.

Interestingly as it might be, those were my morning goals. Sometimes they don't go so well, an arguement erupts, my car doesn't start - whatever. But today everything went well and I am sure will continue to go smoothly.

CON'T EXAMPLE: I work until 5-6pm, then I must pick up Christmas decorations. I teach a class in Indian Head and I will be home by 9pm. I'm at home long enough to ask everyone how their day was, sit and listen to whomever wants to share with me a bit more of their day, then it's bedtime. I will be off to the gym for a late night run on the treadmill. And safely in bed by 11/11:30pm.

My life isn't glorious and filled with glamour, but it's mine. We're a happy family. We work through challenges daily together. That is why I am typing to you, as a family - you, mom, me and Sis - we'll work through everything that's to be worked out, when in fact it's meant to be worked out. I don't know how strong I am right now, feeling beaten down is a feeling I can associate with lately, hence my job change. I'm currently employed at The Regina Performing Arts Centre as building manager. I run the whole show, with NO DIRECTION AND TRAINING. Might I again add, is foolish on their part as I'm spending more of my day figuring out what I'm supposed to do than actually doing it. Oh well, guess we all need a challenge...*laughs to self* my life seems to be dawg gone plum full!

Whoa, am I wordy or what - must get that from mom's side eh?

CONCLUSION: I love you, I'm doing fine, and WE (Big D keeps asking about when we get to see you next.) miss you a lot!

Hugs n kisses


Now when I re-read this today, I cried again. I remember the pain, courage, strength and honesty it took from me (and I am just like everyone else) to tell it as I saw it - reminding myself where I came from, and more importantly who I was typing to. Aka: Honesty with a side of tact ;)


We're all flawed, to quote a respected person in my life, " We were born sinful, separated from God. "

What to allow in our lives and at what time is crutial for our developement. For being all that we can to everyone we choose, is this not a life worth living?

HECK YEAH!

PS. Man, oh man..I was an exercise monster!
PPS. Moderation, is what I choose to work on now :)