The Recipe
A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when he notices his friend is very well endowed. "By Golly, you're hung!" Jim exclaims.
"I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it."
"What do you mean?" Jim asked.
"Well, every day for the past two years I've spent an hour each night rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it grow 4 inches! You should try it."
Jim agrees and the two say good bye. A few months later the two are in the same locker room and Bob asks Jim how his situation was. Jim replied, "I did what you said, Bob, but I've actually gotten smaller! I lost two inches already!"
"Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?"
"Well, I was out of butter, so I've been using Crisco."
"Crisco?" Bob exclaimed. "Darn it, Jim, Crisco is shortening!
MORAL: You gotta follow the recipe!!!
Medical Treatment
A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and seeing the severe pain he is in, the doctor prescribes an IV with saline, electrolytes, a sedative and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who is rather astounded, asks "What good will Viagra do for him Doctor?
"It will keep the sheets off of his legs."
MORAL: A hard on always works, for whatever!
Tee hee hee...
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Bahahahahaha!
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Titled: It Made Me Smile
Formerly titled, "It Made Me Smile" has be renamed, "Damn Girl, It Made Me Tear Up!"
To Cry Or Not To Cry
Friday, September 28, 2007
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
A Canadian Thang :)
Four guys were driving across Canada. Each one was from a different province: P.E.I, BC, Alberta , and Saskatchewan.
Shortly after the trip began, the guy from P.E.I started pulling potatoes from his bag and throwing them out of the window."What the heck are you doing?" demanded the guy from BC.
"We have so many of these darn things in PEI , I'm just sick of looking at them!"
A moment later, the guy from BC began pulling apples from his bag and tossing them from the window."What are you doing that for?" asked the guy from Alberta .
"Same here. We have so many apples in BC, I'm sick of looking at them!"
Inspired, the guy from Alberta opened the car door and pushed the Saskatchewan guy out.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Wifey Fantasies
Friday, September 21, 2007
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Top Five
I have been enjoying my leisure time in Facebook lately. One "group" in particular interests me, it's the 'Top Five Group'. Everything is posted from a persons' top five favorite drinks, to top five ways of demolishing something - my posts tend to have a sexual sniff to them :)
So, I propose the Top Five theme for this post, today. And so, here I goooooooooooo...
Top Five Ways to wear a hat:
1 - Tilted slightly to the side, with of course a tuft of wheat sticking out from the brim!
2 - Backwards (It's what all the cool people do ;).
3 - Hanging down the back of your neck, from a string, nearly been blown off from the wind.
4 - Inside Out, then being asked if the "tag" is supposed to be like that. Pffft...
5 - If this hat is to cover your head. And you're a male... deciding to have protected sex - could very well be 'THE' hat of all hats, a condom. Well, show it, blow it, be proud, hold your head high, and salute... your penis!
He he he.. Your turn :)
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Lost at Home Depot
Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going".
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blond hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?
The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
White Water Rafting...
Sitting, listening to what was in store for us...
Cliff Jumping!(Seamus jumped from the highest point, I jumped from the lowest..)
Through a wave we go!
White water rafting was an amazing experience, unlike anything I've ever done. However, this adventure won't be the last thing I do...Mmm, do.
Honeymoon went *wink* great!
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
A story...
No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi.
The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."
They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help and the wife is still unsatisfied and yawning. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi.
"Okay," he says to the husband, "Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them." Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice.
They go home and hire the same strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel.
The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm, kissing her deeply, his tongue running down her body, teasing her hard nipples as she moans and arches her back , groaning loudly as his fingers find her special spot, her husband waving the towel vigorously as the young man slowly enters her, the tempo increasing as her hips rise meeting his every stroke, until almost as one their bodies move and soon she has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm , scratching and screeching as they explode together and collapse on the bed!
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, "See that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!"
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Timeless Art of Seduction
Friday, August 24, 2007
Journey of Man
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 30 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 35, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now older and wiser and looking for a girl with big tits.
ENJOY!
Today is especially special. And perhaps my new favorite day...
Yesssssssssssssssssssssss!
Have fun people, oh feel the "fun". I know I will :)
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Thursday, August 16, 2007
New Business Cards
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
DANGER! Alert! DANGER!
The Most Venomous Snake In The World
NAME: "Expecteria Trouserius"
(Trouser Snake)
LOCATION: Throughout the world.
DESCRIPTION: Varying from pink to black. Fang less, with a highly venomous spit. Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood and subspecies.
SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks, mainly women, in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then, a severe swelling, followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. However, it has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen, which may result in an incurable disease and possible death.
HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear inthe most unusual places.
ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body, only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.
WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED...
TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet, as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.
CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.
SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim,but so far has not been reported to have led to any success.
MILKING THE SNAKE:
1. Place 4 fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile,with the thumb in the front.
2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.
3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive and start spitting.
4. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the milker and the last time the snake attacked.
5. Once milked, the snake should be harmless for about 20 minutes.
CONCLUSION: This snake, although it is very aggressive and active,is not necessarily a vermin and treated with the right respect, makesa wonderful pet.
Sunday, August 12, 2007
The Way I like It...
Here are the winners of the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational, which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
The winners are:
Cashtration: (n.) The act of buying (or building) a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize that it was your money to start with.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Bozone: (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Karmageddon: It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes and it's a serious bummer.
Decafalon: (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Arachnoleptic Fit: (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
Beelzebug: (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Caterpallor: (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:
Coffee, (n.) the person upon whom one coughs.
Flabbergasted, (adj.) appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
Abdicate, (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Esplanade, (v.) to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Negligent, (adj.) absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
Lymph, (v.) to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle, (n.) olive-flavored mouthwash.
Flatulence, (n.) emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
Balderdash, (n.) a rapidly receding hairline.
Pokemon, (n.) a Rastafarian proctologist.
Oyster, (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
Frisbeetarianism, (n.) the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
Thursday, August 9, 2007
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
Taking a Break
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
Gobble, Gobble, Gobble...
- Cut out aluminum foil in desired shapes.
- Arrange the turkey in the roasting pan, position the foilcarefully(see above).
- Roast according to your own recipe and serve.
- Watch your guests' faces...
